Gauze

I recently made a late-night visit to a local drug store to get some non-adherent gauze for an annoying wound I have. At this drug store I had a wonderful conversation with a quaint little immigrant, and by "wonderful" I mean exhausting, and by "quaint little" I mean frighteningly oompa loompa-ish.

The conversation went like this:

Me: Hi

Lady: Hello

Me: Where could I find some non-adherent gauze?

Lady: Jaws?

Me: What? No, gauze

Lady: Jeees?

Me: Gauze

Lady: J-E

Me: G-U

Lady:....

Me:....

Lady: Jaws?

Me: Just show me where the pharmacy is.

Don't worry, the trip wasn't all a waste. I had a great conversation with my dad on the way home in which I taught him how to eat a Gobstopper. He concluded that it was "too hard" and didn't like it until I showed him "red" was a flavor in which he replied "ok gimme". It was the longest conversation we've had in 3 years.

Now if that's not father and son bonding then too bad because that's all my kid is gettin'

Heart in Sitcoms

In an era dominated by webisodes, skits, and perpetual joke machines there is something that is seriously lacking in today’s scripted comedies, heart. With the introduction of Family Guy in the early 2000’s many shows, animated or not, have followed Seth McFarlane’s technique of cramming as many non-sequiturs into 22 minutes of programming. Extremely funny, critically acclaimed shows such as The League, Workaholics, and Always Sunny in Philadelphia have had success with this technique; however the issue that is being raised in this post is the same issue with the aforementioned shows, there is no longer any depth or heart in today’s sitcoms. I should probably backtrack and not say there aren’t ANY sitcoms with heart anymore. Lets talk about a few that have done a masterful job of making us laugh while pulling at our heart strings.

  The Mindy Project:

The Mindy project is currently in its infancy as it struggles to find its place on the FOX network. It is wonderfully quirky and writer/creator Mindy Kaling has done an exceptional job of mixing observational comedy into deeper story lines. An episode that exemplifies this is the Thankgiving episode. Mindy is attending a party at her BFF Gwen’s house and has become increasingly insecure regarding her personal relationship as well as her relationship with Gwen, and as we can imagine, hilarity ensues.

 Danny, another doctor as Mindys practice has decided to feel sorry for himself and spend thanksgiving alone in his office. Dannys character thus far in the season has been built up as pseudo recluse and essentially refuses to have fun at all costs . however at the end of the episode he receives a picture via text of a now resolved Mindy celebrating Thanksgiving with a caption underneath simply stating “Happy Thanksgiving!” forcing a rare smile out of Danny.

 There was nothing comical about the text, or the picture Mindys character had sent. It was a simple gesture of “we are thinking about you”. It was one minute of a 22 minute episode where the writers decided to stop joking for a second and show they care about the growth and happiness of its characters just as much as its audience does.

 At the risk of making this post much too long and boring I will post the example that influenced this post.

  The Simpsons:

 The Simpsons have been my favorite show for a long time. Although I haven’t seen a new episode in years the wit and humor displayed in the 90’s and early 2000’s shaped the way I view comedy today. There is something about placing sketch comedy writers, comics, and a sprinkle of Harvard dorkiness in a damp room that seems to create comic genius (see SNL). Before I continue my love letter to The Simpsons writers lets talk about the episode that exemplifies this post, and I know its hard to imagine The Simpsons as the beacon to this post but just keep reading. The episode is entitled “Maggie Makes three” and let me provide you with a brief synopsis: After looking at some old family pictures Homer decides to tell Bart and Lisa the story of when Maggie was born. The story begins with Homer being completely and utterly content. He has 2 wonderful children and with his latest cheque he is officially made him debt free. He hilariously quits his job at the nuclear plant and decides to work at his dream job, the bowling alley. Life is good, homer has hair, he is happy, but hold on (record scratch) Marge has been informed that the Simpsons are pregnant with their third child . Devastated, Homer realizes the only way he can afford to pay for another child is if he begs the nefarious Mr. Burns for his job back at the nuclear plant. Mr. Burns begrudgingly agrees, however Homer must look at a “de-motivating plaque” placed over his desk that simply states “Don’t Forget. You are Here Forever”.

A doleful Homer arrives home and has this hilarious dialogue with Marge:

Homer: Aw, I can't go on with this charade any longer! I hate my job, I hate my life, and ever since I found out about this baby there's been nothing but bad luck.
Marge: My contractions started an hour ago.
Homer: It's just in one ear and out the other with you, isn't it, Marge?

 However , as Maggie arrives into the world one inch at a time Homer quickly remembers the feeling of having a child and immediately falls in love. The show concludes with Lisa proudly stating “So you loved her from the start!” wherein Homer responds “absolutely”. Bart then astutely says “Then why no pictures?” in which Homer simply replies “Oh there are pictures, I keep them where I need them most”

No matter the amount of times I see this episode I always turn off the television with a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. Even as I write this post the magnitude of the gesture by Homers character and the juxtaposition of complete irreverent humor with endearing message of love illustrated by the writers has me completely amazed and even emotional.

 The epitome of heart in a sitcom, typified by televisions dumbest character, brilliant.

 I've often been compared to Homer Simpson, and one day when I have my own child I can consider it an honor.

Community Returns

Mashups on the internet are like your friends Facebook statues. 99% of them are annoying and redundant but every now and then you get a gem that you can't ignore.



Sorry for the long delay in posts. More on this later

Injuries

I was talking with a friend today and realized how many injuries I have had in 2011 thus far. They include:

Sprained toe
Sprained thumb
Concussion
Left knee (meniscus)
Right knee (tissue)
Elbow
Low back strain

2 Xrays
1 possible MRI next week.


And its only July.




When I was training in MMA regularly I only had about 2 injuries in 2 years.The sport kept me limber and my conditioning allowed me to be more durable. All the injuries mentioned above have occurred during hockey except 3, Back (weights), thumb (dodgeball), and elbow (skateboarding). I think it goes to show that MMA, although borderline malicious at its extremes, is a very safe and controlled sport. It clearly has had no effect on my ability afdjgmmmmmmmmmmmmmireag to think ramgcheeeseafdgbmaertg adsf coherently or speak on canine hygiene

Jordan vs. Lebron

Recently Scottie Pippen committed blasphemy, and I think it's fair to say this video sums it up nicely to how quickly the greats are forgotten.





Also, does anyone else find it weird that he's 50 and we still refer to him as "Scottie" and not "Scott"? It like in 30 years people stilling calling me "fatty" c'mon guys, lets be mature about this, "fat" is just fine.

Seeya Dougie

The trend on this blog went from commenting to everyday nuances to larger than life moments, which I believe parallel my free time day to day from 2009 till now. But I would be remised if I didn’t mention the retirement of the greatest Edmonton Oiler of my generation, Joseph Brnak err, Doug Weight

Growing up it was never cool to say your favorite player played on your hometown team, because it was the easy way out. How would saying Ryan Smyth or Tommy Salo were my favorite players show off my extensive hockey knowledge? That’s why, time after time, I would say the likes of Paul Kariya, Joe Sakic, and for a one day a year when we he scored his annual end to end goal, Sergie Berizen were my favorite players.

However the very same day I’d praise these players, would be the same day I folded the tongues on my skates outward, the same day id tuck my jersey in on one side, the same day id try to make a 30 ft sauce pass. Whether I’d like to admit or not, Doug Weight was my favorite player, and always will be.

There are some pretty distinct memories I have of the Douglar, Its not his playoff hatrick or scoring a goal while skating sideways. I’m not sure the year but it was a game against the San Jose Sharks in San Jose. Former Oiler Bryan Marchment was involved and Weight has had a history of knee problems so I don’t think I have to write any further. The reason this sticks out so vividly is how Weight reacted to Marchments clear attempt to injure him. He came out, a few shifts later and jumped Marchment. I remember being so upset, at 1.) Marchment for running Weight and 2.) For George Laraque not doing anything after the hit. Being young and impressionable it was an early lesson on that you cannot rely on someone else to stick up for you, and at times you need to take matters into your own hands. Also, if you google images "Bryan Marchment" it looks like his nose is brought you by the letter “C”.

The second memory I have is after his first knee surgery TSN ran a special on how he kept fit during rehab. During this special they showed Weight do a stickhandling drill that still blows my mind. I didn’t realize then true importance of constantly stickhandling. I’ve been doing it since I was 12, and I’ve realized it allows you to catch your defenders off guard with a pass and give you the ability to dish on your backhand and Doug Weight was so damn good at both.

To me, he was our generations Gretzky.
Leading us to 6 straight years to playoffs were our Stanley Cups.
Mike Vernon was our Rick Tabbarachhi
August 9th, 1988 was our July 1st, 2001

Thanks for the memories Dougy.

I Love the Internet Pt. 2: Hungover Owl

The internet is great because it allows scholars, writers, journalists and the like to write on the same platform as, well.....me.

And thus, I bring to you, the Hungover Owl website. What is it you ask? It is a website of owls that look, and potentially are hungover.


Your welcome world.

Zarley Zalapski

Over the past few years I've had extensive experience drinking that wheat barley substance we like to call beer. In addition to the liquid gold I have also been know to throw down a few sugar filled, calorie infested spirits. As most of us know nights like this tend to be great, or extremely bad, but the best part is, we're never able to differentiate the two.

However, It is the day after, the bright, bright sun, the drum that seems to be pounding in your skull, the smell of chicken nuggets and fabric softener, The days we live for. It is this day where we meet up with the friends and share the experience we had the night before. It is this day I recently notice a change in story telling. A Change in adjectives, where words such as:

Wasted
Hammered
Plastered

Were no longer the norm, and were replaced with more obscure and often questionable:

Zippered
Sauced
Ham Showed.

This brought me to thinking we can essentially put any word we like and use it as an adjective for how keyboarded we got the night before. For example

"Dude...oh my god, I was so beluga whaled last night it wasn't even funny"

"Reallly dawg? I was so door knobbed I couldn't even walk!"

"You guys think you were drunk? Jenny was so CHEESBURGERED last night she thought my crotch was her toothbrush!"

*Collective high fives followed by 3 sets of push ups and a protein shake*



With this in mind I have decided to start a new trend. I have decided to replace the ingenious adjectives seen above, with athlete names.

"Oh jeez bro you were pretty Ocho Cinco'd last night"

"Ugh, did you see Dave? He was Zarley Zalapskied like nobody's business"

or..

"Man oh man was I Phanufed last night!"
"Double Dion?!?"
"You got it brotha!"
* Chest bump*

All in all lets remember to be creative, its funner if the athlete or celebrity's first and last name start with the same letter.
Steve Staios
Peter Pan
or my favorite. Mr. Zalapski

Jay-Z : A Review

With chants of Hova pounding throughout the stadium as well as diamonds being thrown around more frivolously then a dissatisfied warlord in Sierra Leone, the capacity crowd at Yankee Stadium knew their proverbial son was about to make his entrance.

Already attending a Jay-Z concert earlier this year I figured I knew the set list and prepared for a telegraphed evening full of Roc nation and Brooklyn references. But once again the kid from Marcy blew me away. After opening with the ‘Dynatsy Intro’ Jay-Z went straight into his multiplatinum single, ‘Run This Town’.

Before I go and further I would like to mention that prior to the show I was hoping for guest spots but was very skeptical due to the fact most of Jays closest musical associates were across the country in L.A. at some after party to the VMAs. However after the playback of the second hook of ‘Run this Town’ finished, Kanye West himself decided to finish the song.

Jay and Mr. West were not done there. They then went into the brand new remix of ‘Power’, which was performed for the first time ever. Kanye then brought out Nikki Minaj of Lil Waynes label Young Money to spit a verse for a new track entitled ‘Monster”.

After bringing out Swizz Beatz to perform “On To the Next One” Eminem reemerged to ride shotgun on Jays first Blueprints, ‘Renegade’. Jay then stunned the 12 hipsters that were in the audience when he brought out Chris Martin to perform ‘Lost’, ‘Viva la Vida’ and an absolutely amazing rendition of “Heart of the City”.

Although proving to me he was popular was enough, one of the aspects that have now made me a fan of Jay was his recognition of his roots and his appreciation of those who helped get to where he is now. Mid way through the concert Jay let the sold out crowd sing verses to Notorious B.I.G.’s ‘Juicy’ and ‘One more chance’, and if P. Diddy’s “Making the Band” taught us anything its that if you don’t know the lyrics to ‘Juicy’ you’re not a fan of hip hop.

Jay then brought out so called “protégé” Drake to perform ‘Light Up’ and wife Beyonce surprised the audience as she sang the hook to ‘Forever Young’ to finish the show. Although it seems like I’m seriously showing off by name dropping all these amazing artists that I was fortunate enough to see, I’m not. Wait. Yes I am. Completely. I have my own blog for gosh sake, tooting my own horn is second nature.


Overall Jay-Z brought his best to the city that raised him. From his ability to surprise the audience, to his quick wit and candor as he called out fans trying to leave early to beat the traffic. Although different from Eminem’s multi-syllabic rhyme scheme Jays ability to inject energy through slower, more methodical rhymes was still felt from grandstand to center field.

Eminem and Jay-Z Concert Review

This past Monday I was lucky enough to witness a co headlining event featuring the 2 biggest rappers of my generation, in one of the most famous baseball stadiums in the world. As I was squished, sandwiched and compressed in the will call line outstide the venue a smile remained on my face realizing I was about to be a part of history and only a few hundred feet away from Eminem and Jay-Z....in Yankee Stadium.

Somethings you absolutely have to be experience before you die include: Drugs, love, a colonoscopy, and watching your favorite artist perform live. For and hour and a half I was fortunate enough to witness our generations’ Elivs spit lyrics full of anger, hate, and overall disregard to the profanity sensitive ear, and yet the capacity crowd of over 45,000 plus responded with nothing but praise and admiration.

Mr. Mathers also decided to bring out some old friends including his fellow bawdy Michiganites D12, as well as 50 cent who sported a glow in the dark ensemble apparently paying homage to ‘old-school’ esque performances of the late Michael Jackson.

After bringing 50 cent and company out for a mini set, Eminem brought the crowd to its feet with his 1999 hit, “My name is”. However the song was cut short after Em’s famous lyrics

“My brain's dead weight, I'm tryin to get my head straight
but I can't figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate
And Dr. Dre said……”

In which the song was interrupted buy a thick 808 that shook the ground followed by the proverbial and signature Dr. Dre piano that brought the man himself on stage. The legendary producer/rapper and apparent middle lineman for the Raiders tore the house down with his presence alone. Dre finished his set with ‘Still D.R.E’ and ‘Nuttin But a G’thang’.

After Eminem closed his set with “Lose Yourself” along with a luminescent pyrotechnic display the crowd had about 20 minutes to rest their legs and buy beer for $9 a bottle. Usually a time to discuss what we had just witnessed I was interrupted by a set of boos by the then now standing patrons of Yankee Stadium. Who could bring on such negative attitude on such a positive night? That’s right, Lebron James along with his entourage of about 15 were making their way to their seats. I was too surprised and thus unprepared to take my camera out and take a picture as he made his way through the crowd, like, doesn’t he usually make televised announcements for things like that?

My Review On Jay-Zs performance tomorrow.